“Re-Vision–the act of looking back, of seeing with fresh eyes, of entering an old text from a new critical direction–is for women more than a chapter in cultural history: it is an act of survival.”
– Adrienne Rich: On Secrets, Lies, and Silence
i’ve been a side-eyer my whole life: a born “why not-er,” a troublemaker, and a certified contrarian.
you see, labels aside, for as long as i can remember i’ve had this insatiable desire to know and make sense of the world and who i was in it. as the story goes, i came out of the womb with something to say. having “created my own language” in my mother’s words, i’d point at everything and say “augum” and “kaboki” looking up at whomever i was speaking to, saying these words over and over in an attempt to make sense of what i was seeing and what it all meant.
as i began to learn ‘real words,’ i began to ask more ‘why not?’ questions and would often find myself wondering about the rules i was learning. this wasn’t just in conversation, but in the music, books, movies, and stuff of real life; the experiences of my girlhood and what growing up ‘she’ meant. many times, i found my questioning was deemed inappropriate, rude, and against society’s rules. never one to give up, all this told me was there was something i wasn’t being told and if i just kept asking, i’d find it out.
and so, i found myself drawn to the in-between spaces–the narrated edges of this thing we call life. not only because i felt like i belonged there, but as a seeker of the margins, i’ve always had a knack for exploring the places where few went looking. little did i know that in my journey from girlhood to womanhood–a path sprinkled with both rebellion and revelation–i would find an entire world contained here. the world of womanhood.
hi, my name is kimberly, but those closest to me call me kim.
in the mornings, evenings, and weekends you’ll find me outside with my dog Axl and my family, working in my garden, listening to music, and always about to start some shit because #troublemakerforlife…
from a very young age, it became clear to me that so much of what we think of as black and white is most certainly not. growing up to find other girls and women at these narrated edges–discovering the fullness of their experiences and my own while sharing in the tensions and silences we’ve been socialized into–was more than a revelation for me.
stepping fully into these women-centered spaces enabled me to so clearly confront the various institutions of oppression and systemic inequality that make up our collective social conscience. these institutions, built on myths disguised as Truths and guided by informal and formal rules for being ‘she,’ were interrogated and deconstructed in these sacred spaces in conversation with each other. listening and telling our stories, asking women’s questions, and sharing in our wisdom was transformational.
beyond unlearning, being in conversation with each other forged new paths for liberation and a new lens to see and understand the world and ourselves in it. as i entered womanhood, i continued to seek out and encounter the most formidable women; those, who like me, refused to accept the world as it is and instead asked “why not?” or “why not a world as it could be?”
at these margins, i have come to understand that we, as women, have the capacity in us to be the ultimate why not-ers.
we’re the ones turning side-eyes into battle cries and transforming skepticism into strategy. so, almost 15 years ago i began my journey of continually and consciously creating my circle of women. i sought out the words, experiences, and wisdom of women; women whom i’ve met and had conversations with and women whom i’ve never met but felt like i was in conversation with through becoming a student of their work. whether in-person or digital, the collective wisdom and labor of these women have shaped me into the woman i am today. these women have fed my soul, carried me forward when i thought i couldn’t do it anymore, and their words echo constantly in my mind from the moment i wake up asking me if i am doing my life’s work.
no longer requiring the side-eying of my girlhood, because of these women i’ve been able to always find my way back to my mission, push ahead with a laser-like focus, and instead pay more attention to what moves me. you see, i firmly believe that what moves you makes you, and for as long as i can remember i have been moved to act on behalf of women.
and while i’ve always been willing and more than capable of causing some trouble in the name of questioning the status quo, it was only after i checked all the boxes for happiness and success that i would realize the depth of the bullshit i was still sitting in and decide the only way out was to take matters into my own hands.
let me tell you a story.
i am a woman of a certain age who has spent the last two decades collecting achievements. i spent a significant time of my youth in the 90s full of girl power, women-can-do-anything, and third-wave feminism narratives positioned to turn traditional ideas of womanhood upside down. JNCO jeans, Courtney Love haircuts, and ears full of music from women who shaped hip-hop and R&B like Ms. Lauryn Hill, Aliyah, Missy Elliott, and Da Brat sprinkled with the anti-archetype music of women like Alanis Morissette, Gwen Stefani, and Fionna Apple influenced my becoming (also i have to say this is arguably the best era for women’s music ever. bring on the nay-sayers!). the point is: i saw seemingly ‘irreverent’ women doing and as a result, became filled with the passionate notion that i too would grow up and do.
and i did.
but not without a few potholes in the road first.
yet, this is where my understanding of the power of language and stories really began to take hold. this is where i experienced how reclaiming our stories could change our lives.
after an early teenage resistance and ‘unladylike’ conduct including a battle with self-harm and an attempt to unlife myself after a sexual assault, i was bestowed the labels of ‘troubled youth’ and ‘a problem.’ at 15 years old i was on my own for a period of time before being placed in a *program for—you guessed it—’troubled youth’. while i was no stranger to the politics of respectability, the harms of being mislabeled, and the pervasive notion that conformity to society’s rules was my only route to salvation, the effects of these labels shaped how i understood who i was, my stories of then, and what was possible for me in the future. regardless, this path demanded i latch myself to the strings of life’s rules for the remainder of my journey from girlhood to womanhood and become the ‘respectable young lady’ society expected me to be.
and then at 16 years-old in the middle of my ‘bad girl’ era and time at this program, i met a teacher at that edges space who changed my life with five words: “you should be a writer.” she was my English teacher and the first person who gifted me an alternate identity outside of the labels thrust upon me. until that moment, i had never considered myself as anything other than the sum of those labels, and those five words opened up a world of potentialities challenging me to see myself through a different lens. and while i did go on to pursue journalism, the significance of her words was not in the career guidance, but in the radical act of being seen beyond the confines of these labels.
being in conversation with her enabled me to begin shedding the myths of my identity that i’d been so entrenched in. this reckoning helped me understand that my story thus far was not of my own making, but one in which the ending had already been written for me. for the first time, i saw the lens itself and was like “on second thought–nah.” this awakening by learning to look again at such a tender, young age, stuck with me. i began to understand myself differently and reclaim my stories outside of the ‘problem child’ and ‘troubled youth’ narrative. i began to truly understand the power of language, stories, and radical thinking.
pen in hand, i began to write new chapters of my story and moved swiftly into my ‘phoenix era’. what i didn’t see was that i had turned the page, but was still writing inside the impossible labyrinth of a framework designed to keep women confined to predefined roles. in other words, i traded in one set of predefined, acceptable labels for another.
My Phoenix Era: Achieving My Way To My Demise
i spent the next 20 years achieving: discovering what it means to be ‘the first’ and ‘an only’ in many situations. and let me tell you, i went ALLLLLL the way in. it’s hard for me to summarize 20 years of being a chronic overachiever. you’ll find along the way, i will advocate for context because so much of our stories as women exist in the context, which often gets cut for brevity’s sake. however, let me cut to the chase and put to practice one of the radical acts of transformation i will guide you through in The On Second Thought Project: reintroductions.
i’m speaking to you as:
- a first-generation college graduate who later went on to earn my Master’s degree in organizational communication focusing on change, leadership development, women’s experiences, and storytelling
- a seasoned and now former C-Level executive who made a name for myself as a badass leader who builds high-impact teams, transforms cultures and created learning and development programs fiercely dedicated to women’s development and progression in the workplace (particularly paths to leadership).
- a white, bisexual, neurodivergent woman
- an intersectional feminist and critical scholar
- a trouble-making, side-eying, deconstructionist, why-not’er (for life!)
- a writer
- a gardener
- a mom of two daughters
- a wife
- a rebel
- and so many other things that make up who i am
i’ve climbed the corporate ladder, smashed through glass ceilings, brought women up the ladder with me, designed real paths and programs for women to achieve and grow against the larger societal odds, i’ve gone to bat for change, i learned the rules in order to break them, i got married, bought a house, had two kids, did grad school, kept climbing, kept advocating, kept pushing for that next-level for women in the workplace and in other areas of our lives. i wanted to see change. i wanted to be part of the women trying to call bullshit on those labels so often assigned to us; to be a small part of the movement to liberate us from the trap of these myths where we’ve been conditioned to believe there are only certain ways of being a good/worthy woman.
after i had my two daughters i worked from a different place, but remained dedicated to the same mission. only there was so much more on the line now. everywhere i looked i saw the next generation of girls coming up and a new level of urgency was added to an already dire reality. so i kept going. i kept pushing, i kept learning and doing. i earned a reputation for being the one who would come to the table and say the hard thing as many times as necessary for action to be enabled. this came with both good and bad consequences. i learned how to be adept at being the only woman in the room and then leverage my positions of power to change that and then keep changing it.
and yet all of this pushing and achieving and trying almost cost me my life. while i did not want to unlife myself, existing as a shell of yourself is not really living. i was on the brink of a mental breakdown and in one of the darkest chapters of my life, and something in me snapped. i thought by checking all these boxes, by breaking down barriers, by pulling other women up the ladder with me that this would change things. and while i was able to help a lot of people along the way and have some success, it was like 5 steps forward and 7 steps back.
the more i was achieving–the more i worked to ‘better’ myself–the less i was able to pay attention to what i was becoming. i was becoming unwell, i was becoming isolated, i was becoming worn down. i was becoming someone who only felt more like they lacked something, i was becoming hardened by the experience of achieving, i was becoming someone quiet. while quiet and solitude have their place, this was most certainly not that. i was fading away, disappearing at a time when, on paper, it looked like i had it all. i was the most visible in my career and in my circle of friends as the achiever, the woman who’s doing the damn thing, but instead of speaking up and saying i was really not okay and asking for help, i suffered in silence, because this is what we are taught to do as women. shut up, be grateful, put your head down, work harder, more self-help, more improvement, more doing, more resilience, more, more, more.
Women Know It All Too Well
while my journey is unique in some ways, in so many ways it reflects the type of story we share and know all too well as women.
living through and witnessing the falsehoods sold to us as women, i’ve come to realize the profound harm in not only believing these myths but in shaping our identities around them (which again, we’ve learned to do since birth). this realization isn’t isolated; it reflects a broader, more distressing reality: women are not okay.
everywhere i look and listen, across multiple facets of our existence, this narrative remains consistent. this is especially true for women who are up against compounding biases based on intersections (multiple facets of their identity) including race, sexuality, or disability, who are more acutely impacted across the board for all women’s issues.
my journey, informed not only by personal conversations and the shared narratives of women online, but also by rigorous academic and professional research, has laid bare a staggering truth: an overwhelming majority of us are enduring profound struggles and our well-being is at an all-time low. while our own experiences are enough, we’ve seen it in the headlines over and over again for years, with the last 2-3 feeling like some kind of twilight zone where we are losing ground in the sense of decades of progress being lost. we’re navigating a maze of systemic blind spots, echoing the narrated edges and marginal spaces we’ve been relegated to throughout history.
the myths of womanhood are incinerating us, leaving us to sift through the ashes of what was supposed to empower us. the structures in place, ostensibly to keep us controllable, only serve to isolate us from each other and encourage self-destruction, not just in professional settings but in nearly every aspect of our lives. hearing and reading story after story from women, stories that both devastated and resonated deeply with me, underscored a shared truth amongst us: our experiences are not singular but are echoes of a tale as old as time.
my journey began with a personal unraveling, but it swiftly transformed into a reawakening of my rebellion, catalyzing the next chapter in my revolution. and it’s time for yours. what started as conversations between myself and various circles of women about the state of womanhood turned into an obsession to change it. it wasn’t enough to grasp the depth of our collective struggle, i knew it was time we take matters into our own hands and DO something about it.
The On Second Thought Project
i started On Second Thought (OST) because i am committed to fighting for the future of women.
i hope you see OST ultimately as an act of love. one that is deeply rooted in rebellion, resistance, and revolution. the state of womanhood is bleak at best and i’m tired of seeing the women suffer and sacrifice because no matter what decisions or moves we make, we have been set up to fail. we have been forced into a way of being that, as Gloria Steinem, a cornerstone Wise Woman of mine so poignantly states, encourages us “to choose between ‘bettering’ ourselves and becoming ourselves.”
it’s time to take matters into our own hands and i’m here to help you do it.
i invite you into this space not merely as readers, but as active participants in a collective committed to the radical act of rewriting our futures on our own terms. i have seen how reclaiming our identities through stories and unlearning has changed lives. i have witnessed how unlearning can liberate us to build and live the life we want; lives of purpose and passion. we all deserve this and we deserve the scaffolding to help us get there.
this is my hope for The On Second Thought Project— scaffolding for success on your terms. the tools, resources, stories, and more that i’m working to build out are meant to act as a catalyst for radical transformation as you enter your rebel era. all the things to support and guide you on your rebellious journey of revolution! i will be working to create more mediums in 2024 to consume and participate in The OST Project (podcasts, guides, workshops, and more).
i am nowhere near the first or only woman out here trying to rally us together, calling us to fight for our futures. in fact, you will find many women and their work intentionally referenced here at OST—often referred to as Wise Women. this is part of helping other women like you build out your own circle of women, as well as recognizing the incredible labor of those who have worked so hard to push us collectively forward. as Audre Lorde, a cornerstone Wise Woman and massive influence on yours truly once said,
“For there are no new ideas. There are only new ways of making them felt.”
Audre Lorde: Your Silence Will Not Protect You
as you begin this journey with me, you will get from me unapologetic honesty, fearless audacity, and a promise to expose the rawest parts of my own journey (and fuck ups); unpacking them in the open as my way of showing that i’m still in this and remain in this with you.
you will get uncomfortable as you participate in your own unlearning process.
i have. other women i’ve taken on this journey have. and you will too.
it will poke at the most tender parts of your being because this process of giving everything we thought we knew a second thought requires us to start from the inside out. it will poke at the parts of you that you believe make up who you are. it will shed light on the systems, narratives, and myths that have shaped the distorted lens through which you see yourself and the world around you, and most importantly, it will act as a catalyst for your own radical transformation if you tap in and share in this collective reclamation.
you are good as you are and you’re not alone.
women everywhere are waking up. each of us at various stages of seeing the bullshit and making space for looking again at what we’ve considered to be true. there’s more beginning again and pushing against happening amongst us. you are good as you are and wherever you are on your journey is okay. we must come out of the shadows we’ve been forced into, break our silences and seek each other out.
i don’t have it all figured out, but i know more than i did 10 years ago, 5 years ago, even 1 year ago and so much of this project is what i wish i would have had back then (resources, community, and hope). listen, this is not groundbreaking work that no other women out there are doing. that’s not the point. i am so excited to share the work from other women who have been instrumental in my rebellion. i do believe in the power of adding to the constellation of women who are laboring daily for our collective liberation, and that we can honor the work of the Wise Women who have labored to get us this far by bringing their work to the forefront and adding to it.
if we can make a difference in another woman’s life, if we can reduce her suffering, if we can prevent more women from believing this is all there is for us, isn’t that the point of being here? our stories are enough and each of us are enough and good starting from exactly where we are. this is no longer about bettering ourselves, this is a revolution rooted in liberating ourselves from the pervasive structures of oppression.
here’s to choosing our becoming and here’s to entering our rebel era!
with palms towards the sun and middle fingers in the air,
Free Shit: Coming Soon–The Rebel Manifesto
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